+ What Does Being a Vampire Mean to Me?+

Well, let's get the obvious bullshit out of the way first -- no, I do not believe I am an immortal, undead, blood-drinking creature of darkness. I am physically, for all intents and purposes, a normal human being. While I believe in things like "psychic vampirism" (and very much consider myself one -- maybe I'll write an essay on that someday) and I do have a somewhat "unnatural" obsession with and desire to consume blood, I'm fully aware that I am physically a human being -- with all the foibles that come with such a thing.

So, with that out of the way -- what does being a vampire mean if one is physically human? I find that difficult to explain. It's a mental, emotional and, I guess, spiritual thing for me. If you read the "why do I consider myself a vampire" section, you'll have seen how vampires and vampirism were a sort of escape from the pain of life for me growing up, how I used the idea of "being a vampire" as a source of strength to get me through trauma and that, what started as a joke about a ginger with a high sun sensitivity, became an inextricable part of my identity. But ah, what does that mean? How do I define it?

I mean, simply put -- I don't. It doesn't really have a real definition and I don't know how to explain the way it actually functions. Just like I don't quite know how to define what being a man means to me. Because they're sort of just...innate parts of my identity. I know I am these things, but can I explain those inner machinations to others? Not very well at all.

Mostly, I guess, outside of the internal stuff, being a vampire is sort of an aesthetics thing. I prefer to dress and do my makeup in such a way as to give the ~impression~ that I could be a vampire. My ideal self looks like he could've stepped out of a 1990s era Vampire the Masquerade sourcebook. I used to wear fangs pretty much daily but Ye Olde Plague has kind of made that pointless -- can't see fangs through a mask, after all. If I had better teeth and the income, I'd 100% get permanent fants put in -- that's like, the real ideal.

I do also have a pretty strong desire to consume blood -- I make due with things like Tazo's Passion Tea (which has a vague coppery taste and a very nice blood-red sort of color) and very ocassionally, a drop or two from my boyfriend. I'd take more but he has an incredibly high iron count and, unfortunately, humans are rather prone to iron poisoning and blood is a really quick way to get that. I'm honestly still searching for a tea that perfectly replicates what I need/want.