Augh...
Things are
doing a bit better, personally at
least. My emotions are a little
less wild right now and that's
really a good thing but there's
still stuff bubbling under the
surface. It's largely frustration
and not knowing how to feel about
what's going on in the world.
Okay, no. I know exactly how I
feel about the massive anti-Queer
cultural shifts in the United
States and the threat to abortion
access... Petrified.
I've been
trying to figure out why I am
almost constantly anxious --
especially when leaving the house
on my own but after talking with
Raven (my eldritch gothparent)
about things, I realized that's
what it is. I am finally reaching
a place in my transition where I
cannot pass as cis in either
direction. I have a much
deeper voice, I have very visible
facial hair and (in my opinion) a
much more masculine facial
structure... But I still have
*really* large and noticeable
breasts (even wearing a binder)
and wide hips/thick thighs + a
very hourglass shape bc of the
bone structure I have and that
the fat distribution is taking
awhile to really get any
place.
Like, I
really like my facial hair. I do
not want to shave it off at all
because it brings me some really
genuine joy but... I don't know,
I'm constantly so, so very aware
of my body not conforming to
expectations for men or women
right now and I live in a very
small, very conservative town.
And the fact that I was like, one
of the only goth people
in town and kind of have an image
(people vaguely know of my
existence and remember me as that
goth girl with the big boobs) it
just...
*sigh*. I
don't really have an interest in
"going stealth" and I
don't care too much about
"passing" because I'm
not unhappy with my ~female~
body. I like my hips, I like my
waist, I like my breasts (other
than the fact that they're just
so obnoxiously large) but there's
definitely some stress that
I experience from being visibly
trans in a small town and having
been such a recognizable person
in this area...
And with the
fact that PA is a swing state and
currently, there's legislation to
ban HRT that the PA GOP plans to
put forward as soon as Governor
Wolf iss out of office... I'm
just stressed out. And scared. My
housemates are actually actively
planning on moving if it's at all
possible -- either out of our
small town towards Philly or
PGH... Or out of the state
entirely if the GOP wins the
governorship...
Which is
something that makes me feel
really loved and cared for,
actually. Raven has taken on a
sort of "mom" role to
me since moving in here and that
makes me really happy and I'm
really fucking happy to have it
in my life and that it cares so
much about me and Zelda (my
transfem roommate) that it is
willing to uproot and take us
somewhere safe. (Ofc, Raven is
also trans but it doesn't really
plan on medically transitioning)
with all of
that going on, it's really hard
to just like... Exist? The world
feels really scary to me right
now and I hate that. I
hate being afraid like
constantly!
That's what
really gets to me about all of
this -- I don't really want
anything more than to live with
my found-family and my partners
and exist in a body that makes me
feel happy... I don't want to
"make" people be queer,
I just want to exist. And
that makes people want me dead
and there are people who want to,
essentially, force me into being
a baby incubator and that makes
me deeply uncomfortable and
upset... I don't understand why
my existence is such a problem.
Well, I
guess that' snot totally true. I
can parse out why queer people
are a "threat" to
society -- bc our society doesn't
want people to be their
authentic selves or be happy. Our
society relies on these clearly
delineated sex/gender categories
to make sure mens' identities are
policed correctly and that women
can be oppressed more eassily.
And queer people blur those lines
and trans peoples' unique
experiences expose the ways the
system hurts and opppresses
people of every gender. Which
makes our existence a
"threat".
But the
truth is that like... I'm kind of
a white-picket-fence gay under it
all. I want to dismantle the
system bc it hurts people but if
I was allowed to just live my
life without interference, I
might not care so much about
activism. Maybe. I don't know --
I've never been allowed
to just live my life without
people trying to hurt me for
being who I am or force me into a
box that I don't fit in. Maybe
even if being a polyamorous
transgender gay man was accepted
by society, I'd be incredibly
dedicated to tearing it apart
because I hate seeing other peopl
get hurt...
Raven, who
is gen x, really just says that
the only way to survive this kind
of environment is to learn to say
"fuck it and fuck you"
and not care about other people
liking you. And I know they're
right and I am trying to learn
how to stop desperately seeking
the approval of people who don't
matter. I live with people who
love me and want me to be safe,
who are willing to put themselves
at risk to keep me safe - I have
a suprisingly robust support
network of queer people in my
life which a lot of people don't
have... But I still feel such a
deep need for everyone to
like me all the time. And
that's frustrating as hell
because I don't want to
care.
I mean
obviously it's more than just
"I want people to like
me" -- I want people to not
want me dead or raped or beaten just
for existing in a body that is
different than what they
expect... And that really gets to
me, I'm not going to lie. It's
just.... Ugh. It's upsetting.
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