Augh...

Things are doing a bit better, personally at least. My emotions are a little less wild right now and that's really a good thing but there's still stuff bubbling under the surface. It's largely frustration and not knowing how to feel about what's going on in the world. Okay, no. I know exactly how I feel about the massive anti-Queer cultural shifts in the United States and the threat to abortion access... Petrified.

I've been trying to figure out why I am almost constantly anxious -- especially when leaving the house on my own but after talking with Raven (my eldritch gothparent) about things, I realized that's what it is. I am finally reaching a place in my transition where I cannot pass as cis in either direction. I have a much deeper voice, I have very visible facial hair and (in my opinion) a much more masculine facial structure... But I still have *really* large and noticeable breasts (even wearing a binder) and wide hips/thick thighs + a very hourglass shape bc of the bone structure I have and that the fat distribution is taking awhile to really get any place.

Like, I really like my facial hair. I do not want to shave it off at all because it brings me some really genuine joy but... I don't know, I'm constantly so, so very aware of my body not conforming to expectations for men or women right now and I live in a very small, very conservative town. And the fact that I was like, one of the only goth people in town and kind of have an image (people vaguely know of my existence and remember me as that goth girl with the big boobs) it just...

*sigh*. I don't really have an interest in "going stealth" and I don't care too much about "passing" because I'm not unhappy with my ~female~ body. I like my hips, I like my waist, I like my breasts (other than the fact that they're just so obnoxiously large) but there's definitely some stress that I experience from being visibly trans in a small town and having been such a recognizable person in this area...

And with the fact that PA is a swing state and currently, there's legislation to ban HRT that the PA GOP plans to put forward as soon as Governor Wolf iss out of office... I'm just stressed out. And scared. My housemates are actually actively planning on moving if it's at all possible -- either out of our small town towards Philly or PGH... Or out of the state entirely if the GOP wins the governorship...

Which is something that makes me feel really loved and cared for, actually. Raven has taken on a sort of "mom" role to me since moving in here and that makes me really happy and I'm really fucking happy to have it in my life and that it cares so much about me and Zelda (my transfem roommate) that it is willing to uproot and take us somewhere safe. (Ofc, Raven is also trans but it doesn't really plan on medically transitioning)

with all of that going on, it's really hard to just like... Exist? The world feels really scary to me right now and I hate that. I hate being afraid like constantly!

That's what really gets to me about all of this -- I don't really want anything more than to live with my found-family and my partners and exist in a body that makes me feel happy... I don't want to "make" people be queer, I just want to exist. And that makes people want me dead and there are people who want to, essentially, force me into being a baby incubator and that makes me deeply uncomfortable and upset... I don't understand why my existence is such a problem.

Well, I guess that' snot totally true. I can parse out why queer people are a "threat" to society -- bc our society doesn't want people to be their authentic selves or be happy. Our society relies on these clearly delineated sex/gender categories to make sure mens' identities are policed correctly and that women can be oppressed more eassily. And queer people blur those lines and trans peoples' unique experiences expose the ways the system hurts and opppresses people of every gender. Which makes our existence a "threat".

But the truth is that like... I'm kind of a white-picket-fence gay under it all. I want to dismantle the system bc it hurts people but if I was allowed to just live my life without interference, I might not care so much about activism. Maybe. I don't know -- I've never been allowed to just live my life without people trying to hurt me for being who I am or force me into a box that I don't fit in. Maybe even if being a polyamorous transgender gay man was accepted by society, I'd be incredibly dedicated to tearing it apart because I hate seeing other peopl get hurt...

Raven, who is gen x, really just says that the only way to survive this kind of environment is to learn to say "fuck it and fuck you" and not care about other people liking you. And I know they're right and I am trying to learn how to stop desperately seeking the approval of people who don't matter. I live with people who love me and want me to be safe, who are willing to put themselves at risk to keep me safe - I have a suprisingly robust support network of queer people in my life which a lot of people don't have... But I still feel such a deep need for everyone to like me all the time. And that's frustrating as hell because I don't want to care.

I mean obviously it's more than just "I want people to like me" -- I want people to not want me dead or raped or beaten just for existing in a body that is different than what they expect... And that really gets to me, I'm not going to lie. It's just.... Ugh. It's upsetting.