Things
have been really frustrating for
me lately. There's a lot of
reasons why but it's largely
just... Feeling invisible. Big
surprise, right? I especially
hate how, during the summer, I
just don't really get the chance
to look like myself --
it's too fucking hot for 90% of
the things I like wearing.
Especially in my current house
where I have to keep the bedroom
door closed constantly so
the cats/dog can't get in there
and knock things over (because
the cats will knock over
my shrines and shit while
desperately trying to explore the
room)... And it's upstairs and we
don't have air conditioning and
can't get the bedroom windows
open x_x so it's hot and
constantly humid in the room. It's
even more frustrating because
like, my body sucks at
regulating temperature -- it has
ever since the one time I got
heat exhaustion (?) when I was
fifteen and it's only gotten
worse over the years, especially
since I started my psych meds
(both of which cause heat
intolerance lmao)... so I can't
really get dressed unless I want
to boil to death in the process
and that ends up making me get
really depressed. Everyone else
in the world with seasonal
depression seems to become
depressed in the winter -- I get
depressed in the summer...
But aha, I
got off topic there, didn't I?
I was going
to talk about feeling invisible.
What's there
really to say though?
I'm a gay trans man, I basically do
not exist to anyone except
the people who want to make laws
to control my body. I don't even
know how to begin to say
how frustrating it is
when the people passing the
legislation against medical
transition in the US say explicitly
that it's to
"protect" the bodies of
"young girls" only for,
it feels like, every ally to
scream "WE SUPPORT TRANS
RIGHTS, TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN!"...
Like, yes those laws will
affect trans women too. But
they're explicitly targeting
trans masculine people. But
no one cares. Or worse -- they
accuse you of hating trans women
and speaking over them if you
point this out...
Not that
transmisogyny isn't a huge issue.
Not that being hypervisible is
good (I've been in a
hypervisible category myself and
it fucking sucks.).
But idk,
between what I feel now and what
I felt when I was the
~acceptable~ and ~sexy~ hourglass
fat girl with huge tits... I
think I'd go back to that if the
idea of being a girl didn't make
me want to fucking die. I'd
trade being ignored, being
unseen, having like literally no
erotica drawn or written about
bodies like mine for the constant
discomfort of being fetishized
again.
I should
really just get over myself. I
should really just...stop
expecting people to remember I
(and people like me) exist. I
should just learn to accept it.
But I can't.
It hurts
when people talk about ~The
Gayest Magic the Gathering Set ever~
only for there to be no
explicitly gay men or trans men
whatsoever... But multiple
enbies, a trans lesbian and a cis
lesbian. I'm happy for the
ace/aro representation in the set
but like...
I'm tired of
people saying "there's so
much queer rep!" when what
they mean is sapphic
rep. Queer includes all of
us. And I want to be
happy. I want to cheer and be
like "hell yes, more
representation in (kind of)
mainstream art and media!"
but when I combine seeing people
say "queer
representation" with the
fact that trans men are entirely
invisible, that I've seen
multiple femme enbies (a category
to which I did belong
for a long time), that there are
so many bi and lesbian girls in
media lately...
It just
makes me bitter and angry. I hate
feeling this way all the time. I
hate being so angry all of the
time. I hate feeling this
bitterness and pain in the pit of
my stomach. I hate feeling empty
and left out. I want to take joy
in the rest of my community
getting notice, getting love,
getting to see themselves
represented in children's shows
and in card games. I want to be
happy for them... It hurts
though. It hurts to be invisible.
It hurts to be passed over time
and time again. It hurtst to see
everyone in history who may have
been a trans man get Girl
Bossified.
I'm just...
being a giant baby about so
fucking much. I need to get over
it. Get over myself and
learn to be happy for what the
trans community can get. And
just... get used to it, I guess.
Anyway, uh,
I'll add something positive to
finish this off:
I've been
working on an obnoxious rainbow
fluid art shirt the last two
weeks (hand stitching the entire
thing) and now it's almost
totally finished (it needs
buttons and buttonholes added but
I'm dragging my feet) and I'm
really proud of it, so I'm gonna
share the two finished pics:
All of the
seams are finished, too. some
with a zig-zag stitch (which I
learned juts for this project) or
with some left-over halloween
ribbon (hence the ghosties on the
inside of the collar). I also
made the pattern myself, tracing
an old shirt of mine that didn't
quite fit. I think I could still
adjust it a little bit better but
that'll be for the next set of
shirts I make, I guess...
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