The Sanguine Munimenta

The ramblings and ravings of a weird millenial goth guy; journaling, disability shit, fashion, LGBTQ+ and video game shit. Basicsally, just anything I feel like writing about.

Frustration...

06/01/2022

Augh...

Things are doing a bit better, personally at least. My emotions are a little less wild right now and that's really a good thing but there's still stuff bubbling under the surface. It's largely frustration and not knowing how to feel about what's going on in the world. Okay, no. I know exactly how I feel about the massive anti-Queer cultural shifts in the United States and the threat to abortion access... Petrified.

I've been trying to figure out why I am almost constantly anxious -- especially when leaving the house on my own but after talking with Raven (my eldritch gothparent) about things, I realized that's what it is. I am finally reaching a place in my transition where I cannot pass as cis in either direction. I have a much deeper voice, I have very visible facial hair and (in my opinion) a much more masculine facial structure... But I still have *really* large and noticeable breasts (even wearing a binder) and wide hips/thick thighs + a very hourglass shape bc of the bone structure I have and that the fat distribution is taking awhile to really get any place.

Like, I really like my facial hair. I do not want to shave it off at all because it brings me some really genuine joy but... I don't know, I'm constantly so, so very aware of my body not conforming to expectations for men or women right now and I live in a very small, very conservative town. And the fact that I was like, one of the only goth people in town and kind of have an image (people vaguely know of my existence and remember me as that goth girl with the big boobs) it just...

*sigh*. I don't really have an interest in "going stealth" and I don't care too much about "passing" because I'm not unhappy with my ~female~ body. I like my hips, I like my waist, I like my breasts (other than the fact that they're just so obnoxiously large) but there's definitely some stress that I experience from being visibly trans in a small town and having been such a recognizable person in this area...

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Invisibility Isn't A Superpower

06/01/2022

Mood: Downhearted & Frustrated
Watching: Morgan Donner videos
Reading: Sewing Tutorials
Listening: Magnus Archives Episode 45
Eating: Ham & Turkey Sandwich
Drinking: Black Cherry Selzer water

Things have been really frustrating for me lately. There's a lot of reasons why but it's largely just... Feeling invisible. Big surprise, right? I especially hate how, during the summer, I just don't really get the chance to look like myself -- it's too fucking hot for 90% of the things I like wearing. Especially in my current house where I have to keep the bedroom door closed constantly so the cats/dog can't get in there and knock things over (because the cats will knock over my shrines and shit while desperately trying to explore the room)... And it's upstairs and we don't have air conditioning and can't get the bedroom windows open x_x so it's hot and constantly humid in the room.

It's even more frustrating because like, my body sucks at regulating temperature -- it has ever since the one time I got heat exhaustion (?) when I was fifteen and it's only gotten worse over the years, especially since I started my psych meds (both of which cause heat intolerance lmao)... so I can't really get dressed unless I want to boil to death in the process and that ends up making me get really depressed. Everyone else in the world with seasonal depression seems to become depressed in the winter -- I get depressed in the summer...

But aha, I got off topic there, didn't I?

I was going to talk about feeling invisible.

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Now With an Extra 25mg of Testosterone

04/20/2022

Mood: Borderline Malaise
Watching: Bernadette Banner sewing videos
Reading: Nothin'
Listening: Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven
Eating: Celery & Peanut Butter
Drinking: Cranberry Juice
Playing: Age of Empires 1997

So, I'm going to try to update my blog a bit more often -- aiming for a weekly thing and Wednesday seems like a good day to do it. Things have been going pretty well, all things considered, given the tone of my last entry lol. I'm trying my best to keep going and keep moving through life, even if I regularly feel upset and confused by the things going on around me. It really just... ugh. It continues to strike me how little I understand why people hate the people they hate. Some of it, I can get into their mindset and figure it out but in the end, I'm still left scratching my head...

The good news is that after getting my bloodwork back and finding out my T is at like, 293, I got in touch with my doctor and asked about upping my dosage so I can get to a more middle-of-the-road level for a cis guy and we upped the dose to 75mg a week. I'm going to have to go get a new bottle that's 200mg/ml but I've at least worked out the dosage for the 100mg/ml bottle so I can finish that off. No point in wasting it, lol. I've got a surgery consult on Friday, too. It took me awhile to find a doctor who was willing to work with someone my size -- which you'd think would be easier since I'm not looking for full-on top surgery/chest masculinization, just a breast reduction (which according to all the studies is one of the safest forms of plastic surgery for fat people to get but well, surgeons are kind of a fatphobic bunch lmao *laughing because he'll cry if he doesn't*.

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