The ramblings and ravings of a weird millenial goth guy; journaling, disability shit, fashion, Queerness and video game shit. Basically, just anything I feel like writing about.

Augh...

Things are doing a bit better, personally at least. My emotions are a little less wild right now and that's really a good thing but there's still stuff bubbling under the surface. It's largely frustration and not knowing how to feel about what's going on in the world. Okay, no. I know exactly how I feel about the massive anti-Queer cultural shifts in the United States and the threat to abortion access... Petrified.

I've been trying to figure out why I am almost constantly anxious -- especially when leaving the house on my own but after talking with Raven (my eldritch gothparent) about things, I realized that's what it is. I am finally reaching a place in my transition where I cannot pass as cis in either direction. I have a much deeper voice, I have very visible facial hair and (in my opinion) a much more masculine facial structure... But I still have *really* large and noticeable breasts (even wearing a binder) and wide hips/thick thighs + a very hourglass shape bc of the bone structure I have and that the fat distribution is taking awhile to really get any place.

Like, I really like my facial hair. I do not want to shave it off at all because it brings me some really genuine joy but... I don't know, I'm constantly so, so very aware of my body not conforming to expectations for men or women right now and I live in a very small, very conservative town. And the fact that I was like, one of the only goth people in town and kind of have an image (people vaguely know of my existence and remember me as that goth girl with the big boobs) it just...

*sigh*. I don't really have an interest in "going stealth" and I don't care too much about "passing" because I'm not unhappy with my ~female~ body. I like my hips, I like my waist, I like my breasts (other than the fact that they're just so obnoxiously large) but there's definitely some stress that I experience from being visibly trans in a small town and having been such a recognizable person in this area...

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Invisibility Isn't A Superpower

06/01/2022

Things have been really frustrating for me lately. There's a lot of reasons why but it's largely just... Feeling invisible. Big surprise, right? I especially hate how, during the summer, I just don't really get the chance to look like myself -- it's too fucking hot for 90% of the things I like wearing. Especially in my current house where I have to keep the bedroom door closed constantly so the cats/dog can't get in there and knock things over (because the cats will knock over my shrines and shit while desperately trying to explore the room)... And it's upstairs and we don't have air conditioning and can't get the bedroom windows open x_x so it's hot and constantly humid in the room.

It's even more frustrating because like, my body sucks at regulating temperature -- it has ever since the one time I got heat exhaustion (?) when I was fifteen and it's only gotten worse over the years, especially since I started my psych meds (both of which cause heat intolerance lmao)... so I can't really get dressed unless I want to boil to death in the process and that ends up making me get really depressed. Everyone else in the world with seasonal depression seems to become depressed in the winter -- I get depressed in the summer...

But aha, I got off topic there, didn't I?

I was going to talk about feeling invisible.

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