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The ramblings
and ravings of a weird millenial goth
guy; journaling, disability shit,
fashion, LGBTQ+ and video game shit.
Basicsally, just anything I feel like
writing about.
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Frustration... |
06/01/2022 |
Augh... Things are
doing a bit better, personally at
least. My emotions are a little
less wild right now and that's
really a good thing but there's
still stuff bubbling under the
surface. It's largely frustration
and not knowing how to feel about
what's going on in the world.
Okay, no. I know exactly how I
feel about the massive anti-Queer
cultural shifts in the United
States and the threat to abortion
access... Petrified.
I've been
trying to figure out why I am
almost constantly anxious --
especially when leaving the house
on my own but after talking with
Raven (my eldritch gothparent)
about things, I realized that's
what it is. I am finally reaching
a place in my transition where I
cannot pass as cis in either
direction. I have a much
deeper voice, I have very visible
facial hair and (in my opinion) a
much more masculine facial
structure... But I still have
*really* large and noticeable
breasts (even wearing a binder)
and wide hips/thick thighs + a
very hourglass shape bc of the
bone structure I have and that
the fat distribution is taking
awhile to really get any
place.
Like, I
really like my facial hair. I do
not want to shave it off at all
because it brings me some really
genuine joy but... I don't know,
I'm constantly so, so very aware
of my body not conforming to
expectations for men or women
right now and I live in a very
small, very conservative town.
And the fact that I was like, one
of the only goth people
in town and kind of have an image
(people vaguely know of my
existence and remember me as that
goth girl with the big boobs) it
just...
*sigh*. I
don't really have an interest in
"going stealth" and I
don't care too much about
"passing" because I'm
not unhappy with my ~female~
body. I like my hips, I like my
waist, I like my breasts (other
than the fact that they're just
so obnoxiously large) but there's
definitely some stress that
I experience from being visibly
trans in a small town and having
been such a recognizable person
in this area...
Continue
Reading...
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|
Invisibility
Isn't A Superpower |
06/01/2022 |
Mood: Downhearted
& Frustrated
Watching: Morgan Donner videos
Reading: Sewing Tutorials
Listening: Magnus Archives
Episode 45
Eating: Ham & Turkey
Sandwich
Drinking: Black Cherry Selzer
water
Things
have been really frustrating for me
lately. There's a lot of reasons why but
it's largely just... Feeling invisible.
Big surprise, right? I especially hate
how, during the summer, I just don't
really get the chance to look like myself
-- it's too fucking hot for 90% of
the things I like wearing. Especially in
my current house where I have to keep the
bedroom door closed constantly so
the cats/dog can't get in there and knock
things over (because the cats will knock
over my shrines and shit while
desperately trying to explore the
room)... And it's upstairs and we don't
have air conditioning and can't get the
bedroom windows open x_x so it's hot and
constantly humid in the room.
It's
even more frustrating because like, my
body sucks at regulating
temperature -- it has ever since the one
time I got heat exhaustion (?) when I was
fifteen and it's only gotten worse over
the years, especially since I started my
psych meds (both of which cause heat
intolerance lmao)... so I can't really
get dressed unless I want to boil to
death in the process and that ends up
making me get really depressed. Everyone
else in the world with seasonal
depression seems to become depressed in
the winter -- I get depressed in the
summer...
But
aha, I got off topic there, didn't I?
I
was going to talk about feeling
invisible.
Continue
Reading...
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Now
With an Extra 25mg of Testosterone
|
04/20/2022
|
Mood: Borderline
Malaise
Watching: Bernadette Banner
sewing videos
Reading: Nothin'
Listening: Moonlight Sonata -
Beethoven
Eating: Celery & Peanut
Butter
Drinking: Cranberry Juice
Playing: Age of Empires
1997
So, I'm going to try
to update my blog a bit more often --
aiming for a weekly thing and Wednesday
seems like a good day to do it. Things
have been going pretty well, all things
considered, given the tone of my last
entry lol. I'm trying my best to keep
going and keep moving through life, even
if I regularly feel upset and confused by
the things going on around me. It really
just... ugh. It continues to strike me
how little I understand why people hate
the people they hate. Some of it, I can
get into their mindset and figure it out
but in the end, I'm still left scratching
my head...
The good news is
that after getting my bloodwork back and
finding out my T is at like, 293, I got
in touch with my doctor and asked about
upping my dosage so I can get to a more
middle-of-the-road level for a cis guy
and we upped the dose to 75mg a week. I'm
going to have to go get a new bottle
that's 200mg/ml but I've at least worked
out the dosage for the 100mg/ml bottle so
I can finish that off. No point in
wasting it, lol. I've got a surgery
consult on Friday, too. It took me awhile
to find a doctor who was willing to work
with someone my size -- which you'd think
would be easier since I'm not
looking for full-on top surgery/chest
masculinization, just a breast reduction
(which according to all the studies is
one of the safest forms of plastic
surgery for fat people to get but well,
surgeons are kind of a fatphobic bunch
lmao *laughing because he'll cry if he
doesn't*.
Continue
Reading...
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Recent Posts 
Frustration... -06/08/2022
Invisibility
Isn't a Superpower -
06/01/2022
Now With an Extra
25mg of Testosterone - 04/20/2022
Feeling Oddly Broken
04/17/2022
Dyspunktional - A
Radically Inclusive Disability Movement 03/25/2022
Bad Thursday 03/11/2022
Bloodborne PSX 02/24/2022
Big Ass Survey 02/13/2022
Karaoke Selfies 02/11/2022
Some Personal
Updates 02/10/2022















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Bigfoot Licked My
Ass Dot Gov
Witches of PA
Dorian's
Dark Domain
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Contact Me:
rozario@rozen-rot.com
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